Unlikely Family

I met Charli (16), Dave (12), and Lily(7) for the first time in later 2012. Their father and I had been together for most of the year at that point. Their parents had divorced the previous year. I was the first girlfriend they met post-divorce – a divorce that was still really fresh emotionally for all of them. There were rough patches and varying levels of acceptance and desire for involvement with me for the next 3+ years before the relationship between their father and me ended in January 2016. It was messy, as any blended family situation is, and as any family generally is. That part of our relationship isn’t the focus of this blog. Instead, I want to share the beauty of what developed after my relationship with their father ended.

It was two weeks after our relationship ended that we told the kids. He needed time to find a new place to live, and we didn’t want to say anything until he developed a way to transition them to his new home. Their father brought Dave and Lily over to what had been our home the night we told them. Dave and Lily immediately noticed that their father’s couch was gone, and things were different. I remember the moment Dave and Lily figured out what was happening. We told them together. I had prepared snack bags and other goodies for them to take to their father’s new house. We always had a snack basket in the kitchen for them to access, and I wanted them to be able to take this tradition to their father’s new home.

When we first started dating, I had made it clear to their father that I knew he was a package deal. He came with 3 kids, and I wanted to get to know them and be a positive influence and resource in their lives. I tried to take the attitude my stepfather, Tom, had when he first started dating my mom. He knew my mom and I were a package deal, and he never treated me as anything other than loved because of it. So I tried to put that foot forward. I worked to make the house as comfortable as possible for the kids when they arrived. I took their input on meals and snacks. I left for a few hours each Saturday so the kids could have time alone with just their dad. I remembered wanting time with just my mom when she and Tom were dating. I wanted to honor that for them and their father too.

I was not a perfect person in all of this. I messed up. Attempts I made to connect and care for Charli, Dave, and Lily didn’t always go as well as I wanted. Sometimes my attempts were a glorious failure. We all learned a lot from each other during those years. I grew to love them and wanted to express that feeling as best I could. This made the night we told them we were breaking up harder. I loved these three young humans and was terrified I was about to lose them. It was their choice regarding how things would go forward, not mine. I wasn’t going to make them choose between their father and me. I wouldn’t try to continue a relationship they didn’t want.

Here is where the magic began. Their mom (Meredith) contacted me shortly after the kids learned of the breakup. She shared that Dave and Lily wanted to continue a relationship with me. Meredith and I had a strained relationship we later discovered was caused by years of lies perpetuated by a third party. But, over time, conversation, and at least one night of obnoxiously large margaritas at El Mariachi, we healed those hurts, developed trust, and united behind something we had in common: we both loved those three humans.

Dave, Lily, and I set up weekly dinners. This tradition grew to include their friends and significant others over the years. A few months later, Charli decided she wanted a relationship with me too. Charli and I had a really rough start, so it took longer for our relationship to grow. We have developed traditions like Chinese Christmas (we go to Rochester and feast on Chinese food at Hunan Garden during the Christmas holiday season), a yearly trip to the Mall of America, and the sharing of “good things” when we gather for a meal. I have been extremely fortunate to watch all three of them grow into beautiful adults. I watched Dave and Charli graduate high school and college. I saw Dave and Charli fall in love and get engaged to their partners. I attended Charli’s wedding. I took a trip with Dave and Lily through Missouri in 2022. I am fortunate to see Lily graduate high school and earn her associate’s degree this May. While we are not related by blood, I call them my nieces and nephew, and they call me their aunt. These are much easier terms to use to explain what we mean to each other than explain that I am their father’s ex-girlfriend. Quick introductions usually don’t allow for that long and complicated story.

Charli, Dave, and Lily are now 26, 23, and 17, respectively. They aren’t kids anymore. Dave will graduate with his bachelor’s in May, and he and his fiancé will marry in the next few years. Charli lives with her spouse in the cities and has a career. Lily will go off to college next fall. Their mom and I are close friends and share their successes, hurts, and joys. I am thankful every day that she shares her children with me and that she supported them when they wanted to continue a relationship with me. I am grateful for the friendship she and I have forged.

Knowing these 4 humans is one of the greatest gifts in my life. That is the magic of this story and the beauty of our relationship. If you had asked any of us 10 years ago if we thought we’d be the family we are today, we probably would have laughed at you. It seemed about as possible as cold fusion.

When we limit what family looks like and who family is, we limit ourselves and prevent the formation of unlikely families like this. Ours is a story of love, healing, and trust. Why would anyone want to put a limitation on that?