I looked at my reflection and wondered if I had ignored this possibility. I had never considered it before, even though countless people had before me. Now, standing in my steamy bathroom wrapped in a towel, I was having a reckoning with who I was. This was my moment in the mirror.

In the spring of 2016, I was nursing a broken heart and trying to figure out what life was like now. A 4-year relationship with a man I deeply loved had ended. Over the following months, our split traumatized me as the depths and breadth of his lies and infidelity became apparent. I was left wondering if anything about our relationship was genuine. I was crushed in nearly every way imaginable.

As I brushed on my eye shadow and blow-dried my hair before work, I listened to an episode of The Moth. A woman recounted how she had mined her terrible relationships with men for writing material. This resource had no end, making her consider if she was looking for relationships with the wrong people. As the story progressed, she shared how she saw a woman across the room at an event and was drawn to get to know her. As she briefly recounted how she and this woman met, fell in love, and eventually married, I looked hard at my freshly-showered self in the mirror. I wondered if I was barking up the wrong tree. All of my relationships with men had been disappointing failures. Men who were looking for a mom rather than a partner. Men who lied and cheated throughout the relationship. Men who wouldn’t grow for themselves, let alone grow with me in a shared life. Was I picking the wrong people? Obviously. Was I missing out on a population of potential mates? Possibly. Should I consider dating women? Maybe?

As I put on my vanilla coconut deodorant, I pondered my sexuality. I had never acutely thought about who I was physically attracted to. I had only pursued emotional, romantic, and sexual relationships with men. Yet, I had never found a man who could offer me all three of these things. Now I was considering an alternative. I had deep, emotionally intimate relationships with my female friends. I was more emotionally close with many of my female friends than I had been with my ex-husband. He wasn’t available to me in that way, so it was my closest female friends who fulfilled that need. Would it be that different to date women? Was I open to a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman? Was this the answer I was seeking to my relationship misfires?

As I brushed my teeth, I considered what it would be like to make love to a woman. I found the female form to be sensual and beautiful. I thought artistic renderings of the female body were titillating, but was I physically attracted to them? Was having sex with a woman something I desired? The answer to this question came quickly and clearly.

No.

It took me some time after that morning to fully understand why that no was so clear. Why I couldn’t just choose to be attracted to women. I am attracted to intelligence, emotional availability, and empathy, qualities women are more likely to possess together, but I am not interested in making love to them. A sexual relationship with a woman wasn’t of interest to me. I am definitely heterosexual. I won’t be acting out any Katy Perry songs in the future.

Today, I proclaim at 42 that I am a heterosexual. I’m here. I’m straight. I thought about it. Get used to it.

I do not write this to be cute or belittle the LGBTQIA community. I can’t remember when I wasn’t an ally, and I will always fight for members of this community. I tell this story to push back on the idea that we choose our sexuality. If this were the case, I could decide to be a lesbian or bisexual and start dating women; however, that’s not who I am. I am a cishet woman. If I am to be authentic to myself, this means I honor that. The idea that heterosexuality is a default setting for humans (or any species) is ludicrous. No one chooses their sexuality; instead, they pay attention to their feelings and discover it independently. I think it’s something we should all do. We need to take the time to consider who we are, who we are attracted to, and how we want to live our lives.

Then, we need to let people live their lives as they were created to be.