We married the same month I graduated with my master’s. We had dated for over a year, and marriage was the next step. We were in love. Our wedding was between the spring and fall semesters, allowing us to take a traditional honeymoon and not interfere with my husband’s classes.
The first two years of our marriage were full of excitement:
- Learning to live together
- Adjusting to my first real-world job
- Buying a house
- Hanging out with friends
He was still finishing a bachelor’s, so this allowed me to keep one foot in college life while I took my first steps into the real world.
Towards the end of our third year of marriage, I realized I wasn’t satisfied. We weren’t growing together, let alone in the same direction. When I eventually convinced my husband to go to marriage counseling, it became evident to me that I wanted a relationship that grew deeper and more mature with time, while he wanted someone to earn money and manage the household so he could play with his friends. I had stepped into adulthood, but he was still in childhood. I filed for divorce before our fifth anniversary. I realized he never loved me so much as the lifestyle I could provide him.
After our divorce, I was relieved and depressed. I grieved the life we would never have for a time. I slowly focused on moving forward into the unknown life before me. I relocated to Minnesota about a year later to take a position teaching chemistry, leaving behind the city of my married life and starting anew.
As I was about to release The Life That Almost Was, I began to consider this life that almost was. What if I had chosen to stay married? What if we continued our plans to start a family after I turned 30? What might this life be like? The following is an extrapolation based on the behavior I observed during my marriage and the plans we had discussed for our life together.
If we had tried for a child just after my 30th birthday, I would likely be a mom to a 12 or 13-year-old now. Chances are I would be a single parent whether or not we remained married. My husband would not inconvenience himself by being an equal parent or partner. I would still be working at the same toxic job because he didn’t support my needs or dreams. He was more concerned with the size of my paycheck than my satisfaction or happiness. The weight of running our home and keeping up our finances already rested on my shoulders. I believe caregiving and parenting our child would have also become mine to manage alone. I would have grown to resent him for this and eventually divorced him anyway.
His mom would be an added complication. I would not only be tied to a man who didn’t want to be a dad but also to his mom, who would be an overbearing and controlling grandmother. She had always had an inappropriate influence on our relationship. Since he didn’t stand up to her consistently or meaningfully, her behavior likely would have undermined my ability to parent our child. Her overreaching involvement in our marriage would also continue, causing further damage.
These dynamics would make it difficult to find another job and nearly impossible to move. I wouldn’t have been able to relocate to Minnesota to pursue a career in education. It would also be hard for our child, who would be caught in the middle of unhealthy family dynamics. I have no doubt my mother-in-law would have used our child to try to control me and make my life more difficult.
I recognize there would also be joys from parenthood: watching our child grow into themself, explore the world, and discover what delights them. Parenthood would not overcome the abovementioned negatives but rather exacerbate them. A child would have tethered me to these unhealthy humans, limited my options, and kept me in a toxic situation. Our society doesn’t like acknowledging that life might be better without children. Bringing another human into the world is a massive responsibility, a big gamble, and a known in any scenario. Women have had the most diabolical lie told to us – that the most important thing we can do is marry, bear children, and be a mother. I simply don’t buy that.
I wanted the complete package – a loving, supportive, equal partner with whom I created a family. My husband consistently demonstrated he wasn’t that partner. I wasn’t interested in settling for anything less, so I left and traveled a different path.
I pursued my dreams and created a life I am satisfied with because I let go of a life that almost was. It was a challenging reality then, leading to an incredible present. Sometimes, the life that almost was is a great loss, and sometimes, it’s a gift. The perspective we have on the lives we almost lived can change with time. Life will break our hearts, but it may pave the way for better than we imagined.
This post is the third and final part of a series on liminal Spaces. Use the links below to access parts 1 and 2.
Part 1: The Life That Almost Was
Part 2: The Space Between