This is how my anxiety presents. If I can’t accomplish something in the time I think I should be able to, I feel stupid and worthless and like I can’t do it at all. Things snowball quickly at this point. A slight frustration can overwhelm me in seconds. The best I can do is take a break, go for a walk, and do something very simple until I shake this feeling.

The American Psychological Association defines anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry. They may also have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, dizziness, or a rapid heartbeat.”

Nearly 20% of the US population over 18 experienced an anxiety disorder last year. Females (24.3%) are more likely to experience an anxiety disorder than males (14.5%). (NIMH) Approximately a third of US adults will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their life. These are significant numbers, yet there is still stigma acknowledging this is a part of life for some.

Brene Brown uses a scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to explain how anxiety feels to her. I agree with her example. Today, things feel like too much, too fast. As Willie Wonka said upon entering the tunnel,

“Yes, the danger must be growing

For the rowers keep on rowing

And they’re certainly not showing

Any signs that they are slowing.”

This is precisely how I feel today.

So I make lunch, pet the cats, write about it, and figure out what I can do today and what needs to wait for another day. I would love to go on a walk outside, but it’s currently single digits and windy with flurries. So a stupid mental health walk isn’t an option right now. A ride on my trainer, a house dance party, or doing some yoga are my best options to shake out my anxiety.

Doing something creative usually helps, so I start writing (hence this blog). It allows me to put my energy into something fun, with no stakes in how it turns out or when it is complete. While my to-do list helps, it makes things worse when I am this anxious. I just see everything I need to do and can’t accomplish as quickly as I think I should. The shoulds are my biggest obstacle right now. The shoulds come at me, beating me down, telling me the lie that things should be different.

Nevertheless, this is how things are, and all I can do is keep telling myself it will be ok, and this feeling will pass. My brain is feeding me a falsehood. I hold to the truth of the impermanence of feelings to ground me. This too, shall pass. I will get to the other side of the scary tunnel.

Goldie eventually snuggles up on my lap and we take a nap together. Naps mean my anxiety is reduced and my body needs rest. Usually, I feel close to my old self after a good nap, though I still stay away from tasks that could be frustrating for the rest of the day. I will fully move past this once I have had a good night’s sleep.

While I wasn’t diagnosed with generalized anxiety until I was 36, I have dealt with it most of my life. I had (unhealthy) ways of coping when I was growing up. I kept pushing myself so I didn’t have to feel it. I worked hard to control what I could around me to manage my anxiety. If I could control the external, my internal would feel better. This only works for so long. My mom called me the 5-Minute Wonder because I was impatient. I realize now that there was anxiety tied up in that need to get everything done as fast as possible. As if the universe was judging me with a stopwatch.

I am typically quiet about how I navigate my anxiety. Few people know I live with this. I work hard to keep it hidden from others because this doesn’t define me. I refuse to use it as a crutch or an excuse not to do my best every day. I must remember that my best will look slightly different each day, depending on my anxiety level. This isn’t who I am, but I manage it daily. Most days, I am just fine, but then there are days like today that stop me in my tracks. It happens once or twice a month, usually on Sundays during the school year. On Sundays, the weight of all everything coming up in the next week looms before me. I am caught in this feeling I can’t manage the week ahead of me, still knowing that I don’t have to have all the work done before I get to campus at 7:30a Monday morning. I have the whole week to do this work.

I write this not to elicit pity. Please keep that to yourself. I also don’t want to be handled with kid gloves. I write this because I know that approximately 66 million other people in the US live with their version of what I described above. This isn’t something to be ashamed of or hide. It’s no different than someone who manages diabetes or needs a wheelchair to move around the world. This is a reality of my life and the lives of millions more. We all have something we struggle with in life. This is one of my struggles. Rather than hide our struggles, let’s be honest about them, acknowledge their existence, and work to support each other through them. We are all gathered here to get through this crazy thing called life. Why be ashamed of any part of what life deals us?