My Experience

I purchased it in late 2016.

I would walk before work, leaving the house between 5:30 and 5:45a when it was still dark. I love walking in the dark. Walking in the dark creates a sense of calm, quiet, and privacy. So a walk was how I started my day—the cold morning air, the stars in the sky, and my thoughts.

I was at the intersection of 17th St SW and 3rd Ave SW and had just turned west on 3rd Ave when it hit me – recent events had made it acceptable (again) to be a predator. It was OK to sexually and/or physically attack a woman because you felt like it. It was OK to “grab them by the pussy.” It struck me that even though I was doing something that every man could do (exercising in sweats in the morning), I could be attacked and blamed for it even though I would be the victim.

I could hear the blame statements ring in my head:

“It’s irresponsible for a woman to walk in the dark alone.”

“What was she doing out at 5:30 am?”

“She was asking for it.”

No one is ever asking to be attacked unless they are literally saying, “Please attack me.” I have also never heard these phrases regarding a man. This is victim shaming, something heaped on female sexual assault victims.

I knew there had always been predators around me. Still, since the then-president-elect had bragged about how he sexually assaulted women and spoke of women (including his own daughters) as sexual objects, he had given permission to others to do the same. Moreover, he had made it acceptable (again) for men to behave towards women in a sexually violent way. It is truly horrifying to realize that significant portions of the population generally accept that it is OK to sexually and/or physically assault another person.

This wasn’t the first time in history it was socially acceptable to abuse women without facing any consequences. However, it felt like the gains of the past 50+ years of the women’s movement were significantly damaged by a single election.

I also knew the criminal justice system wouldn’t be on my side if a man attacked me. The previous year, I watched the courts let a Stanford student who raped an unconscious woman go with a slap on the wrist. She, the victim, was painted as a floozie and a slut while her rapist was painted as a saint, nevermind he had a history of drug and alcohol abuse. There is little meaningful judicial support for female victims of sexual assault in this country. As a result, a female rape victim is victimized twice in this country – first by the man who raped her and then again by the criminal justice system…if she decides to seek justice.

I was 10 when Anita Hill described the way Clarence Thomas (allegedly) sexually assaulted her. As a young girl, I couldn’t understand why those in power didn’t believe her, why they treated her like she was doing something wrong by speaking up when she was the (alleged) victim.

I was 38 when I saw this scene repeated with Christine Blasey-Ford and Brett Kavanaugh. Again, she was belittled and maligned for speaking her truth and bringing to light what Kavanaugh (allegedly) did to her.

Kavanaugh and Thomas should have been held accountable for their (alleged) actions. They weren’t. Instead, Hill and Blasey-Ford experienced ridicule, setbacks, and threats of violence.

I heard the message sent during both hearings loud and clear – when a woman speaks her truth, she won’t be taken seriously. She won’t be heard, believed, or supported in most situations. Instead, women are blamed, belittled, victimized, and abused for existing and telling the truth about their experiences.

According to the 2015 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey conducted by the CDC:

  • 43.6% of women experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.
  • 1 in 5 women has reported completed or attempted rape during their lifetime.
  • 1 in 6 women has experienced sexual coercion during their lifetime.
  • 37% of women have reported unwanted sexual contact, such as groping, in their lifetime.
  • 81.3% of female rape victims reported the rape occurred before age 25.
  • 43.2% of female rape victims reported the rape happened before age 18.

I contribute to two of the statistics listed above. I won’t contribute to another, so I take steps to protect myself from contributing further to these statistics.

I use the mirror in the bathrooms at Hy-Vee to check behind the door when I enter to make sure no one is hiding to ambush me. In addition, I pay attention to how many occupied stalls are around me when I use the bathroom.

When I approach my car, I have my keys out and ready, I am checking under and around the vehicle for potential dangers, and the moment I am in my car, I lock my doors – even in broad daylight.

I wear a wedding ring in case a guy won’t take no for an answer. It’s easier to tell him I am married than to get him to understand I am not interested. He will respect another man, but not me. Too many men can’t just take no for an answer from a woman. No is a complete sentence and a response that men should respect.

I take time to learn new self-defense moves and build my strength because society puts the onus on me to protect myself rather than teach men self-control or hold them responsible if they attack a woman.

When I go on a first date, I always have a friend who knows where I am and who I am with. That friend is expecting a text from me by 8p to know I am OK and another one when I am safely locked in my car to drive home. They know to call the police if I don’t meet these expectations.

I am always aware of the exact position of people walking behind or near me when I walk alone.

This kind of hyper-awareness is exhausting. It causes excess stress, diminishes quality of life, and can shorten lifespan. I do this because we don’t teach our boys how to be respectable men, we don’t teach boys or men self-control or the meaning of consent, and we don’t hold our men responsible when they commit sexual assault.

I have an ex-boyfriend who told me women must be more assertive when they say no. He later ignored the 11+ times I clearly told him to stop texting me after we broke up. Instead, he continued his harassment in other forms for two months. He didn’t stop until I filed a report with the police. He listened to their no, but not mine.

This is the world we have created for women. This is the world women are working to change with #MeToo, Time’s Up, and the multiple women’s marches held since November 2016. We want a world where women are treated with respect and have equal rights. We want a world where a woman is believed in, supported, and has a choice in her destiny.

I keep my pepper spray with me when I walk near or after dark, when I travel alone, hiking, biking, camping, or whenever I need something additional to protect myself. While I don’t think a predator is lurking around every corner or behind every bush, there is always a possibility that someone could decide that just because I am “there” and I am a woman, they can attack me.

It saddens me that this is the current reality. It is disheartening that women must be hypervigilant to protect themselves because they can’t count on society and the criminal justice system to have their backs.

Our moms, wives, sisters, aunts, and daughters deserve better.

This is the second blog in a series of three.

Part 1 – My Choice

Part 2 – My Experience

Part 3 – My Path