My Choice

I was lying in bed, surfing Facebook when I saw it. An article from Politico reported that a leaked draft decision from the Supreme Court described the overturning of Roe v Wade.

I stopped dead, awash in disbelief. I couldn’t believe it was happening, but it was. Women were losing access to medical treatment. They were going to lose complete control of their reproductive process. They were yet again held to a standard that men have never been.

I cried. I felt anger, sadness, fear, disbelief, and back around to anger. I went through this cycle much of the next day too. As I write this blog, I still vacillate through all these emotions, but at a slower pace.

After reading the news, one of my first thoughts was, “I think I need to get my tubes tied.” This would mean I would never end up in a position where I would need an abortion. If I can’t have full choice of my medical options and body, maybe I will remove myself from the gene pool. This choice is still legal at this time. These words were clear and confident in my mind. I didn’t cry about this. I knew what I needed to do for myself.

I sat with this idea for a few months. I am over 40. I previously decided that I wouldn’t have biological children at this point. Pregnancies for women over 40 present a higher risk to both mother and baby. I didn’t want to take that risk for either one of us. I’m not interested in having a baby to have a baby. Raising a child is something I wanted to share with the right partner, but that person hasn’t materialized. With the changes to abortion rights and possibly access to birth control, I have no interest in opening myself up to a risky pregnancy with limited healthcare options.

I spoke my intention to only two people early on – my best friend and my life coach. I wanted to test out the idea with someone else under no pressure. They both did what I hoped they would: ask me questions to make sure this was a good idea for me and allow me to play with it and make sure it really fits. After their questions, I still felt clear and confident about this decision—no tinge of regret or doubt.

I realized I was indeed at peace with my decision and ready to take action when I told my mom. She was fully supportive and understanding of my choice. She raised me as a single mom. She understands the responsibility of raising a child without a reliable, involved, and dedicated partner. She understands the physical, mental, and emotional labor it takes for a woman to grow a child and bring it into this world. She agrees no one should force this massive responsibility on a woman.

I called my doctor, made the necessary appointments, and scheduled my surgery for early November. My doctor would perform it laparoscopically. It would take longer to put me under anesthesia than to perform the procedure.

Even though the procedure is far less invasive now than it was for women in previous generations, tubal ligation is still a very invasive procedure. First, I was put under anesthesia, had something inserted into my uterus to hold it in place, and was cut into in three places (belly button and near both my ovaries) to remove my fallopian tubes. Then, the doctor cauterized the areas where the tubes once connected. I woke up sore and bleeding like I had a period. I felt like I had just had the roughest sex of my life…and without a satisfying ending.

Overall, my surgery went as well as could be expected. I was home 2-hours after it was complete. I was sore and uncomfortable for days afterward. When I walked, I held the incisions near my ovaries to prevent pulling and additional discomfort. I pondered how ridiculous it is that a woman can have a C-section and the sent home days later to care for her newborn. We use our abdomens every time we move. We don’t allow new mom’s the time to heal after birth. They aren’t guaranteed any paid maternity leave…or even affordable healthcare. Our actions as a country show how little we value motherhood and the women who embark on that path.

Thankfully, I could take the time to rest and allow my body to heal from the surgery.

My insurance company covered all but $162.30 of the procedure. My insurance covered all but 0.77% of the total cost of my tubal ligation. My privilege made this option affordable to me. According to a 2020 CDC report, approximately 31.7 million people in the US (9.7% of the population) are uninsured. I took sick leave for the procedure. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, approximately 79% of civilian workers in the U.S. had access to paid sick leave as of March 2021. My socio-economic status made my choice a possibility.

I have never had an issue obtaining affordable birth control in my life. I have also never needed to seek an abortion, though there was a time in my life when I would have if I became pregnant. Back when I was in college and not ready for motherhood. I think it’s irresponsible to bring a child into the world when you are unprepared to be a parent. I also think it’s wrong to force anyone to carry a fetus to term against their will.

I chose to have a tubal ligation to protect myself, my life, my health, and my future. Since I don’t know what my medical options will be in the future regarding preventing pregnancy, I made a permanent choice now, while I was still able to make a choice.

I hope this will put me in a position to help other women who don’t have the resources I have to protect their health, bodies, and lives.

On the face of it, tubal ligation is an invasive and outrageous choice to prevent pregnancy. I made an outrageous choice because anti-choice groups have pushed women in the U.S. into the outrageous position of not having full access to all medical options for their reproductive health. If someone believes that life begins at conception and chooses to see that pregnancy through, no matter what, then I support their choice. I also support the choice of the woman who gets pregnant and decides to end the pregnancy. Both are personal choices, and both should be allowed without outside influence.

I exercised my choice while I still have one.

Since I learned of the leaked Dobbs ruling in May, I have reflected on many other topics related to my elective sterilization and women’s rights. I will discuss those thoughts in the coming weeks. Please stay tuned.

This is the first blog in a series of three.

Part 1 – My Choice

Part 2 – My Experience

Part 3 – My Path