Shawshank Revisited

Thankfully, my nurse practitioner understood my blubbering incoherence as I attempted to explain why I came to see her. Life was too much. Everything was too much. This seemed silly for an overachiever who once thrived on the rush of an over-busy life.

But had I really thrived? I was constantly stressed, always rushing, sometimes letting things drop, and getting raging head colds 3-5 times a year from the pace. The weight of it all was crushing me. My brain was constantly churning and working against me.

I was finally admitting the old way of living didn’t work.

My nurse practitioner diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and prescribed me an SSRI, which helped calm my brain tremendously. However, I needed more than just medication. I needed a new way to work in the world. One of my favorite movies provided me with an invaluable tool.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne is wrongfully found guilty of murdering his wife and sentenced to spend the rest of his life in Shawshank State Prison. Seeking his freedom, Dufresne slowly digs out of the prison each night for about 20 years using a rock chisel. He dumps the dirt and rocks from digging in the yard each day and covers the entrance of his tunnel with posters of pin-up girls. Finally, Andy sees his opportunity to break out when a major storm blows in.

Shawshank isn’t just a fictional prison but also a verb. Shawshank (v) means to break things up into little pieces and tackle them one at a time until the larger project is complete, just as Andy dug his tunnel one pocket of rock at a time. This simple idea helped me manage my anxiety and find a new way to function.

So, I began to Shawshank, especially when working on something I didn’t want to do. I start by completing just one piece of a project, then another. Other times, I set an amount of time I committed to working. I could stop or keep going at the end of that time or the couple of tasks I committed to doing. Sometimes, I stopped and took a break. Other times, just getting started was enough of a catalyst to keep me going, and I could complete much more work than I set out to do. I don’t think about the whole project as I work, just the portion I am focused on.

Shawshank has been beneficial this spring as I tackle projects around my home. I have a fenced, private patio space shaded by a mature red maple. This space feeds me. It is perfect for morning journaling, reading or napping in my hammock in the afternoon, or sharing drinks and conversation with friends; however, maintaining it can be formidable. After the harsh Minnesota winter, small maple limbs, thousands of little whirly seeds, and rouge dead leaves litter the area. I have to clear this debris first. I also have many pots and hangers to fill with Elysium, spider plants, and philodendrons I propagated earlier in the spring. This spring, I finally decided to remove the “low-maintenance” rock landscaping installed decades ago that now has so much soil from years of erosion that it is no longer “low-maintenance.” I worked 15 to 30 minutes at a time clearing the litter of the past winter and then began planting pot by pot until the space was lush and green. In between appointments, I set up my hammock. The next day, I rouse the patio furniture from its winter slumber and clean it up for spring. The following afternoon, I put the solar lighting along the walkway and in the flower beds. It took me a whole week rather than one intense weekend day, but my patio is ready to enjoy for the summer. My goal was reached and at a pace that worked best for me.

I have spent most of my life thinking things had to be completed a certain way, the “right” way. Learning how to manage my anxiety has helped me understand there isn’t a “right” way but a way that works best for me. I have developed many tools that support me in working at my best. Shawshank is one of those tools. Sometimes, we do have strict rules, policies, and procedures we have to follow in life. Still, we also have a lot of flexibility in other areas to develop our own ways of working in the world. Those are the spaces where I focus my energy.

I wouldn’t wish an anxiety disorder on anyone. For a long time, I saw my anxiety as a hindrance. Fortunately, my anxiety isn’t severe or debilitating. It’s taken me years of work and coaching to learn to work with my anxiety rather than against it. Now, I see it as a sometimes frustrating friend who offers guidance on supporting myself better. It’s encouraged me to grow into the human I am now and will continue to sculpt me into the person I am becoming.

I have Shawshanked my way into this space of being, acceptance, and functioning, one rock at a time, just like Andy.