Soul Tired

The academic year ended for me about 2 weeks ago. Pomp and circumstance played, students graduated, and I submitted my final grades for the semester…and not a second too soon.

The next day, I found myself completely exhausted. I spent much of the following week sleeping long hours at night and napping 2 times a day. The exhaustion had settled into my bones and refused to leave. When I wasn’t sleeping, I watched a lot of TV and snuggled with my cats. I had energy for little more.

These last 2.5 years have been some of the hardest of my life and career. There were lockdowns, masking, vaccinations, and booster shots. A friend, two uncles, a cousin, and my grandma died. A long-time childhood friendship ended. I learned how to be in a place of authority but not supported by leadership. I feel in and out of love. I got two beautiful felines. An insurrection occurred on January 6, 2021. There was no peaceful transfer of power for the first time in US history. I continue to watch as the US democracy crumbles a little more each day. Roe v Wade is soon to be overturned, which bothers me to my very core. I watched as misinformation and disinformation spread like wildfire. The world drastically changed as the result of a global pandemic…AND there was a global pandemic. This happened while I worked full time, constantly adjusted for students and pandemic changes, and otherwise conducted day-to-day activities.

I have the kind of exhaustion that a few days rest won’t fix. This exhaustion goes to a person’s soul. I am soul tired. I literally have nothing more to give at this time. I feel like I am 2.5 years behind on processing life. Two and a half years behind on processing grief, loss, and unbelievable changes to the world I knew. All the gains and losses the first 2 years of the 2020s brought.

I have heard some talk about going “back to normal.” But unfortunately, there is no going back to the way things were in March 2020. That just isn’t possible.

As I thought of all I have been through, I slowly realized all the things others experienced. Things I was spared. The picture of all the losses, changes, and griefs life has brought, depending on where you live, came into focus.

Some have dealt with fire, flood, or other significant weather disasters.

Some have dealt with war. Some have fled their homeland or watched it be ravaged by war.

Some have bought into conspiracy theories or lies and have gone down twisted rabbit holes from which they may never fully emerge.

Some have lost their jobs, homes, and all sense of their lives.

We have had vacations, weddings, graduations, and numerous plans canceled or delayed.

We lost the ability to gather…for family dinners, birthday parties, conferences, funerals…Some of us could not be with those we love as they shuffled off this mortal coil.

We can all agree that no matter our individual experiences, we have been through a life-changing couple of years.

I think I can solidly assume that I am not the only one whose soul is tired. We have suffered incredible loss, unimaginable change, and unbearable grief.

And yet, we must figure out how to bear it, process it, and live with it. There is no undoing, denying, or forgetting what we have been through.

None of us have ever done this before. We have never had to navigate the world of misinformation and disinformation we have today. None of us have survived a pandemic. Brene Brown would define this as an FFT, First Fucking Time. We are used to a sense of control and certainty in our lives. The past 2 years have stripped us of that. We must admit that sometimes really shitty stuff happens and there is no reason behind it other than it just happens. Conspiracy theories might provide a sense of control for some, but they are still false stories and useless lies. They don’t help us heal and move forward. Instead, they keep us stuck and in pain.

I plan to take some time this summer. I have the luxury of a relatively open schedule because I work in education. I teach online in the summer, so I get to choose when and where I work. Not everyone has this ability. I am thankful that I do.

If I take a little more time to respond to your email, text, or phone call, I am taking time to rest, process, and care for myself. I plan to take more time biking, napping, hiking, reading, writing, and creating this summer. These are all things that feed me. That allows me to turn inward, check out all my internal cracks and crevices, sweep clean my soul, and examine what I find in the process.

Everyone has to find their own way and time to do their work. This is mine. I wish you the best in finding yours.